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July 2008

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On social ineptness and borderline self-loathing...

First entry huh? In that case, i'm going to do the proper blog thing and be totally emo:

Isnt it funny how one event can suddenly bring all of your life into focus and make you suddenly far more self aware than you want to be? For years i've laughed and mocked male subs on the internet for having the social skills of a dung beetle. Then i find myself in a scenario with real non-internet people, and what happens? i do the grown up equivalent of the kid on his first day at school hiding behind his mums skirt.

i've never been one for the "public" side of things, certainly not clubs (which i dont ever see me going to) and the few munches i've ever been to, i've never felt comfortable. To me, it just seems forced - you're in a scenario where the only real thing you have in common is your "kinky" side. This is something i'm just not open to talk to at all...in fact theres currently only two people in the whole world i'd even discuss these things with, and even then with one of them its not without a massive amount of awkwardness. The other is someone who i've known about 7 years and its only recently that we've even talked about it. The irony is, with both of them we dont really really talk about D/s anyway because we're able to hold conversations about anything but *that*.

People who can be so open about things are awesome; but whats stupid in my case theres no reason why i shouldnt be - i dont have a vanilla partner i have to hide things from, i'm not in the public eye or a high powered job, i dont have any religious or moral beliefs causing me conflict. And yet, despite how much time i spend talking to similarly minded people on the internet (which is FAR too much time), if the conversation ever turns to that side of things, i'll immediately retreat from the situation.

So, i find myself in a group where everyone else is being open about stuff - not in your face - it was only a munch after all, and all i'm thinking about is not how to make conversation or think of things to say, but how to make it not seem like i'm scared shitless and that i'm actually comfortable with the situation. What i hate most is "shyness" is so often used by people (and dare i say it, more often men) as a way of being lazy, getting someone else to break the ice and to reveal themselves without any danger of having to do the same. Witness how many guys online only want to chat in PM because "i'm shy". i'd like to think i'm different to that...when its dragged out of me, i can hold a conversation (although worryingly, i'm far more comfortable and adept with the joker role) and come out of my shell. But if i cant do it on my own, when people who could befriend and hundred and one other male subs are trying to help me, why should they bother? If i cant help myself, other people shouldnt have to make the effort (which they did, it was a really welcoming environment).

How can i ever hope to meet someone who is right for me when i cant even talk about a large part of who i am?

i think what really hit home about how bad i've got with self confidence is someone said "oh, you're blooey and here with us? We thought you were just lurking in the background". Eurgh...i'm turning into one of those guys who i hate for giving the rest of us a bad name!

So i guess, in summary, what i'm saying is, internet > real life.
Bit of a worry huh?